Problems at work? Need advice? Our agony uncle – and readers – have the answer
• Need help? Email Jeremy at dear.jeremy@theguardian.com outlining your dilemma
How can I get my medical colleagues to take me seriously?
I am a female doctor working in the community with an all-female team of nurses and a consultant who is my supervisor. I am midway through my training to become a consultant, having graduated more than six years ago; however, I am the youngest in the team by nearly 15 years.
Although I have lived with my partner for six years, my colleagues consistently decline to take my home life seriously as I am unmarried and we don't have children. I am frequently expected to stay late. I've been allocated "on call" over the entire Christmas period as "you don't have a husband or kids to be home for" – never mind that I had planned to spend time with my partner and extended family.
Additionally, the nursing staff repeatedly refer to me as a "student doctor" in front of patients despite knowing that I am fully qualified and have a large caseload of my own. I suspect it is not helped by the fact that I look young for my age. It is demoralising to me and misleading to patients.
How can I make my colleagues take me and my position seriously? I have tried consistently referring to my partner as "my other half" to make whether or not I am married vague, and talking about "grown-up" subjects like my mortgage and nephews, but it hasn't helped.
I feel I can't talk to my supervisor about this as she is one of the worst offenders, and is solely responsible for my evaluation at the end of this job, allowing me to progress in my career. I am in this post until August 2014. How can I – or should I – address this?
Jeremy says
This isn't easy for you and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Your colleagues' attitude has an almost schooldays feel to it: not exactly bullying, but certainly discrimination. That 15-year age disparity seems to have prompted an entirely unreasonable "us and you" segregation.
It's very unsatisfactory that you feel unable to talk to your supervisor, though I understand why. But there's one topic you must raise with her and that's the custom of the nursing staff, in front of patients, regularly referring to you as a student doctor.
When you bring it up, don't mention the demoralising effect this has on you; concentrate entirely on the implication for patients. As your supervisor must agree, when patients have faith in their medical advisers and the treatment they're given, it's beneficial all round. For patients to be led to believe that you're still a student is not only untrue, but could impair your relationship with them. So you're entirely entitled to ask your supervisor to remind the nursing staff that you're a fully-qualified physician with a full caseload, and that to imply to patients you're still a student is unprofessional.
When making this unarguable point to your supervisor, please do everything you can to keep any sense of personal umbrage out of it. Be both reasoned and reasonable. My hope is that, albeit indirectly, the nature of the request that you're making, and the maturity with which you are making it, will nudge your supervisor into realising that she and the others in your team should begin to see you as more of an equal than they currently do.
Realistically, however, you need to accept that for an individual to escape from unfair preconceptions and cliquishness while remaining in the same work environment can be almost impossible. You often need to begin all over again: with no history, in a new place and with new colleagues. So if you can survive another nine months or so, and keep on the right side of your supervisor, you've at least got that blessed escape to look forward to.
Readers say
• If you want respect, then take steps to earn it. The next time a nurse calls you "the student" in front of a patient, cut across her, smile at the patient and say "that's right, I only qualified six years ago". Then get the nurse on her own and tell her (not ask her) "that the patients deserve to know they are being treated with respect, and an integral part of that is that they are being seen by qualified doctors". PathetLao
Stay-at-home mother needs tips for getting back into workplace
I am a 43-year-old mother of three who hasn't worked for 12 years. I graduated with a 2:1 degree in modern languages 17 years ago, and started, but never completed, a PGCE.
I worked in admin for a local authority and the NHS until my first child was a year old, fully intending to return to work within a few years, but then a couple more children and an economic downturn happened.
I now need to find something to do for my own sanity but don't know where to start. I am aware I will need some retraining. Any suggestions gratefully received.
Jeremy says
If you think about job opportunities in the conventional way, your lack of a sense of direction is entirely understandable. Scanning the websites and reading the Situations Vacant columns, you're bound to wonder why any of those potential employers would want to snap you up in preference to others: people more qualified, with more recent experience, glowing current references and a driving passion for that particular line of work.
Which is why I'm going to suggest that your ideal future employer might well turn out to be you. Half a million people start their own businesses every year in this country. The internet has made it easier than ever. Tap "Starting your own business" into your search engine and you'll find enough free advice and inspiration to keep you occupied for a weekend.
If you have a good friend in much the same situation as you, even better: a partnership provides immense comfort and support. Remember, a successful small business can be very local and very niche; it doesn't have to compete with grown-up companies. Indeed, it's much better if it doesn't. You can even work from home, which gives you more flexibility than most conventional jobs.
Start with activities that you've always enjoyed and been interested in: an old hobby, perhaps, or an old enthusiasm. Even successful small businesses need constant love and attention, so it ought to be about something that gives you satisfaction – not just something to keep you occupied.
Readers say
• What have you been doing for the past 12 years and what would you like to do? I find it hard to believe that you've only done child care – all the stay-at-home mums I know do plenty of volunteering – helping at school, helping with the PTA, helping with the library. Perhaps something you've been doing to "help out" might give you an idea. FrayedKnotweed
• Completing your PGCE and becoming a language teacher is an obvious option. Isn't there a shortage of language teachers? SpursSupporter
For Jeremy's and readers' advice on a work issue, send a brief email to dear.jeremy@theguardian.com. Please note that Jeremy is unable to answer questions of a legal or contractual nature or to reply personally.
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